In a move that has stunned historians, architects, and internet comedians alike, former President Donald Trump has reportedly signed an executive order (framed in gold) demanding the full-scale rebuilding of Alcatraz Prison to “lock up the worst of the worst — and maybe Hillary.”
Standing on a virtual podium shaped like the prison island itself (thanks to a new AI-generated Mar-a-Lago simulator), Trump made the surprise announcement:
“We’re bringing back Alcatraz — bigger, stronger, more luxurious. It’ll be the greatest prison ever built. The walls? Unbreakable. The cells? Unleavable. The cafeteria? Five stars — but only if you behave.”
A Fortress for the ‘Un-American’
The plan reportedly includes:
- 50-foot walls topped with motion-activated MAGA hats
- Maximum security AI guards named “Trumpbots”
- A 24/7 loop of The Apprentice reruns in solitary confinement
- Gold-plated toilet seats for irony
When asked who exactly would qualify for this high-security housing, Trump listed:
- “People who talk during movies”
- “Anyone who says ‘Happy Holidays’”
- “And probably some fake news reporters — I won’t name names. OK, maybe CNN.”
Reactions Pour In
Legal experts were baffled.
“Alcatraz is a national historic landmark, not a LEGO set,” said one official from the National Park Service, visibly weeping into a cup of herbal tea.
Architects, meanwhile, are confused but oddly excited. “We didn’t think ‘maximum security meets Vegas hotel’ was a thing,” said one contractor, “but Trump makes the impossible… possibly impossible.”
Critics Are Not Convinced
Democrats condemned the move. Senator Bernie Sanders tweeted:
“We must rebuild infrastructure, not prison-islands! And where’s my invitation to the design committee?”
Meanwhile, Elon Musk offered to turn it into a floating Mars prison prototype — but only if inmates agree to test his new Neuralink firmware (version 666.0).
Final Words
Though the rebuilding is still in “concept art” stage — drawn in crayon on a Big Mac wrapper — Trump remains confident.
“This is how we make prisons great again. Alcatraz 2.0 — coming soon to a bay near you.”